WT#15 TODAY

Well, “How can I say” better to say, you’ve got to say “how can I say this?” If he wants to say something in particular. Does he want to tell her something specific or does he just generally want to tell her? 
もし彼が何か具体的なことを言いたいなら「How can I say」にはthisを足して。それとも具体的なことが決まっていないままだけど話をしたいということ？

Ok. Maybe you could say, well… “Where do I start?” He wants to talk to her, probably a lot of things, but he doesn’t know where to start.
そう。なら「どこから始めたらいい？」がいいかな。

…Ummm…
“I don’t know exactly how to express my feelings to you.” because “I cannot express my feelings to you enough.” It sounds a little bit the way…, he has already told her and it seems like she doesn’t understand.
Because for example in English we can say…”I cannot stress this point enough.” When we put enough at the end, It means that it is somehow “has been said, and is now being repeated.” in order to emphasize that point. But I don’t think that’s what this means, what he’s trying to say is that… he cannot adequately express his feelings. So… “No words are enough to express my feelings to you. “
うーん、
「どうしたら僕の気持ち届くだろう」のところは「don’t know exactly how to express」がいいね。あなたのこの文だと、彼は彼女に何か言ったのだけど、彼女が理解していない感じがするの。「どうしたら彼女は僕の言うことを分かるかな」みたいな。enoughが最後にあるとね。enoughを使うなら「No words are enough to express my feelings to you.」がいいね。

Your sentence… “There is too much to tell and I always can’t put it into words.”…Maybe we could stay here. “There’s too much I want to say but cannot put into words.”
「言いたいことが多すぎて言葉に詰まる」は、「伝えたいことがたくさんありすぎる、でも言葉にできない」って言うかな。

“Let us walk the rest of our lives together today.”…OK. “Today, let us walk the rest of our lives together.”
「あなたと歩いていくよ　今日から」は「今日から、あなたと一緒に歩いていくよ」にしよう。

Right, ok because the previous sentence is a little bit awkward because you have the first part of the sentence talks about the rest of our lives that talks about the future, and then it sends it by saying today. So it is a little bit awkward and weird to have those two timelines so close together in the sentence without any punctuation.
うん、todayを文頭に持ってきた理由は、文がちょっとぎこちないの。これから歩いていこうって「未来」を言ってるでしょ。そして「今日から」と来る。句読点のない文章の中で、この二つのタイムラインがとても近くにあるのは、ちょっと気まずくて変な感じがするの。だから文頭にtodayを置いて、それから未来のことを話す方が良いな。

And I think also the way it is written in the first sentence at the top in the original sentence… “Let’s walk”, it almost sounds like he’s saying “Let’s experience the rest of our lives together at this moment today.” rather than…. actually shifting the focus the first sentence has the focus on the rest of their lives and walking whereas the second sentence is slightly divided. The two parts by saying, “Today, let us walk the rest of our lives together.” so the focus is slightly on “today” and what is happening right now. That’s why actually both are ok.
「today」が文末にあると、「残りの人生を一緒に経験しましょう、今日この瞬間に」と言っているように聞こえるの。残りの人生と歩くことに焦点が当てられているのに対し、「today」が文頭にあると、「今日」と今起きていることに少し焦点を当てているの。実際にはどちらでもいいよ。

Oh my goodness! I didn’t notice when I saw the title of the document “TODAY” I thought it meant “TODAY’S EXERCISE” lol.
あら、そうなの？アハハ気づかなかったわ！このドキュメントのタイトルに「TODAY」とあるのは単に「今日の教材」って意味だと思ってた(笑)

But like I said because the lyrics don’t usually follow the same rules with regards to grammar or sentence structure. That’s why it’s easier here to play around with this a little bit.
でもさっきも言ったように、歌詞は文法とか文型とかのルールが違うからね。だから、ちょっと原文を変えた方が伝わりやすいよね。

Out in the cherry blossom gardens, early in the springtime,
Let off fireworks, in the summer sunset,
Set out on a journey somewhere far away in autumn sunrise,
Wish on a shooting star in winter midnight.
初春は桜を見に出かけ
夏の黄昏に花火を打ち上げ
秋の夜明けに遠い所へ旅立ち
冬の真夜中には流れ星に願いを
ふんふん、いいね。

“Out in the cherry blossoms garden, early in the springtime,”…
if there is more than one garden…
いくつかお花見の場所はあるよね？

If he is generally just talking about gardens of cherry blossoms…”Gardens”
じゃあガーデンは複数のSをつけよう。チェリーブロッサムはSは削除でいいです。

“springtime”…I think it’s like this. ” spring-time”
春の期間/springtime、ここはハイフンいれよう。

I will probably use a “spring” only because it will be a little bit more consistent with the rest of the paragraph, … for me more natural “in early spring” but you can do both, that’s ok.
次の文と繋がりがあるから「春」で良いと思うよ。「in early spring」が自然かな。でも、どっちでもいいよ。

in the summer sunset
in autumn sunrise
in winter midnight
↓
into the summer sunset
to an autumn sunrise
on a winter’s midnight
It’s a bit more lyrical operatic style.
「花火」「旅」「願い」に合わせて前置詞を変えたほうが、よりもうちょっと叙情的になるね。

“Even if the sun burns out and the moon freezes, I brighten your future.”…OK.
Add “will always”, “I will always brighten your future.” or “light-up”
「太陽が燃え落ちて月が凍り付いても　僕があなたの未来を照らすよ」…うんうんいいね。「will always」を足して。それと、「照らす」は「brighten」のほかに「light-up」も使えます。

OK, nice question. There is a very small difference, “light up” is a bit stronger. It emphasizes more… let’s say… when we say “brighten” it means… maybe it is like, he will make it lighter. Just a degree of difference. But “to lighten up” means really shine her future because the previous few lines were so dramatic in the way they were describing…”Even if the sun burns out and the moon freezes… So I will light up!” It means that he will really shine a light on her life.
良い質問ね。あんまり大きな違いはないよ。「light-up」の方がちょっと強くて協調してる感じ。「brighten」を使うと、「きっと彼は明るくする」ね。ただの程度の差。「light-up」は確かに彼女の未来を光らせる感じ。一つ前のセンテンスが超ドラマティックじゃない？「太陽が燃え落ちて月が凍り付いても…だから僕が照らす！」って「light-up」は本当に照らしてくれる感がするわ。

Whereas “brighten” is not as strong in the way it is expressing it. But they’re actually very similar. It is a very very minor thing. “brighten” is also actually suggests a little bit of a degree and maybe an increase, you know, like I said, “So it might be bright.” He would just make it more bright, but “to light-up” means “no matter what if it’s that even if it is the night, I will make it bright.” you know.
そこまで強くないのが「brighten」。でも、とっても似ているから、違いはほんの少しです。「彼はより明るくできる」。でも「light-up」は、「たとえ何があっても、たとえ夜の闇の中でも、明るくするよ。」って言う感じかな。